Tracy Ross and Dr. Michael Bordieri discuss the gift of listening for the Valentine’s Day season on Sounds Good.
Valentine’s Day encourages expressing love through the giving of chocolates and other such gifts, but Bordieri says one of the best gifts we can give is that of good listening and communication. He says it’s one of the main components of what makes relationships last over time.
A key part of listening is being psychologically present. Good listening, Bordieri says, is not just being silent while the other person speaks but instead being mindful of the moment and focusing your attention on what they are trying to communicate. Often, people listen to respond or offer suggestions. But it can be more effective to reflect back what you are hearing. So instead of saying, “Well, here’s what you should do to fix it,” say “That sounds like a tough day.” Bordieri says this can help show that you understand what your partner or friend is trying to tell you.
But some may find it difficult to concentrate on an extended conversation. Bordieri says attention is similar to a muscle that you can train and build.
“So often we jump to offering suggestions, solving the problem, figuring out where to go that we lose the opportunity to connect with someone we really care about with what their experience really is, what’s happening. So one you can do to practice… is reflecting back what you hear,” Bordieri says.
Bordieri says people have a need to be heard, so listening to someone and demonstrating that you understand the world through their perspective is very important. He says letting go of the need to help or solve things offers an opportunity for a more powerful conversation to take place, something that could win out over flowers and chocolates.
